Dragonlance chronicles in a nutshell
by Silverlilies
Summary: The Dragonlance chronicles as you've never seen them before! The Tanis Half-Elven fanclub, the show "Raistlin's Bunnies," and much much more.
1. Dragons of Autumn Twilight Part I

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonlance. That's TSR.

**Dragonlance chronicles in a nutshell**

Dragons of Autumn Twilight Part I:

Flint: Oooh! My back! I think I'll sit down on this nice comfy rock for a little while.

Tanis: Hello! Wow! What a coincidence, ya know; I was just about to go to that in over there to see some barbarian lady with a lute perform a song that will incite a riot!

Flint: Alright! Let's go!

Tasslehoff: Don't forget me! (Runs after the two)

Lord Toede: Hey! You three, got any blue crystal stuff?

Tanis: Nope.

Lord Toede: Okay. Ya know, there's going to be some barbarian lady at the inn tonight. We're going to rob her of her blue crystal stuff.

Tanis: Sure! Need any help?

Toede: Kay. You and your pals pretend to help her and here's what you'll do…

(That night at the inn…)

Caramon: Tanis my friend! (Breaks Tanis's rib in his hug)

Tanis: AAAAAAGGGHH! I'm ruined! My ribs are broken! How will I kidnap that lady with broken ribs!

Raistlin: Hello.

Tanis: AAAAAAGGGGHHH! Those face paint, hair dye, and contact lenses don't go together! (Has a heart attack and faints)

Sturm: Hey dudes. I found this blondie wandering around looking to start a riot, so I decided to take her here.

Tasslehoff: We're going to kidnap her for Lord Toede! Wanna help?

Sturm: (nanosecond conflict with his honor code) Sure! Why not?!

Goldmoon: He there good looking (to Sturm). Can I start a riot here with my hypnotic voice and this weird staff my fiancé got me that can flash blue light?

Everyone: (Nods enthusiastically)

Goldmoon: (In a horrible off key voice) I met a lad in Que-shu and his name was Riverwind. EE-YAH-YEEPEE-YOH. EE-YAH-YEEPEE-YOH. And Riverwind was his name-o.

Audience: Boooooo! (Throws rotten vegetables)

Riverwind: (pops out of nowhere and blocks the flying tomatoes)

Flint: Alright! There's the distraction! Now, we convince her to join us.

Caramon: (picks up the comatose Tanis like a doll) Okey. Sturm, you do it.

Sturm: My fair lady, please join us, we will jump out the back door and save you.

Goldmoon and Riverwind: Okay.

(The companions jump off the inn "Yippee!")

Goldmoon: Oh my! That Tanis is in trouble! (Hits him with the blue crystal staff)

Tanis: OOOOOOOWWWWWW!

Companions: (stare at Goldmoon and all prostrate themselves before her) "Oh owner of the staff of the blue crystal stuff, allow us to be your slaves."

Goldmoon: Sure! I need my hair combed, and my nails manicured and…

(Later…)

Companions: Let's go to the Darken woods, where there's suppose to be lotsa ghosts and stuff.

(In Darken Woods)

Forestmaster: Welcome. You have been chosen to save the world from a great and terrible evil.

Tanis: Oh! You mean that contest I saw in my "Playboy" magazine? I never thought I'd win!

Forestmaster: Well, you did. Now, on these flying horse helicopters, you can fly to Xak Tsaroth and get the Disks of Mishakal.

Companions: Cool!

(In flight)

Raistlin: Has anyone figured out that we're running out of fuel?

(Companions gaze at each other in horror)

"NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"

(Que-shu)

Tasslehoff: Wow! There's lots of cut up dummies and red paint everywhere.

Goldmoon: Oh yeah. Every ten years, we have a celebration of our victories by throwing dummies and red paint all over the place, then camping out in the wilderness.

(Xak Tsaroth)

Tasslehoff: Look! A well! I've got a coin, let's throw it down there.

Onyx/Khisanth(whatever her name is, flies out): I am the genie dragon of the wishing well of Xak Tsaroth. Make your wish.

Raistlin: We came for the Disks of Mishakal.

Onyx: Sure. (Throws it and knocks Riverwind out, platinum is heavy!)

Raistlin: And a spell book of Fistandatilus if you can.

Onyx: Little Bupu, give the nice man the book.

Bupu: Okay bossy dragon lady. (Hands Raistlin the book)

Onyx: Have a nice day (disappears into the well)

Goldmoon: (comes out of a temple she found) Look! I gave a statue that blue staffy-majigabob and it gave me this cute necklace! (Displays the medallion of Mishakal) Now I can play cleric!

To be continued…

Author's note: How is it? Please leave at least a one word review. Please! TT.


	2. Dragons of Autumn Twilight Part II

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Autumn Twilight Part II

Tanis: We're back!!!

Companions: YAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (Looks around the Inn of Last Home)

(The inn is burnt, destroyed, in splinters)

Caramon: Wow! The redecorating is awesome! (Everyone nods)

Tika: Oh! How nice of you to come. Can I come with you guys, those lizard men (draconians) are looking at me funny. Do I have something in my hair?

Caramon: Hey there sweet cheeks. There's nothing wrong with your hair, but… how 'bout you and me, going steady?

Tika: Okay!

Raistlin: (raises eyebrow and sips his tea)

(Lord Toede comes through the door)

Toede: Howdy partners! Got the staff?

Tanis: Nope, we gave it to a statue.

Toede: Pity. I was hoping to use it to cure my face.

Goldmoon: Dude, no amount of plastic surgery can cure _your_ face

Toede: (bursts into tear) you are so cruel! (Brightens up) Wanna go with me to Pax Tharkas and be a slave?

Companions: Sure!

Gilthanas: Don't forget me! I still have to kill Tanis for putting the moves on my sister!

Tanis: Come on! It was just a one-nighter, what harm could it have done?

Giltanas: Lots! Laurana has started the Tanis Half-Elven Fanclub, pasted your picture all over her room, and telling everyone the intimate details of your life. Everyone in Qualinesti has gone insane! It is horrible, HOOOOOORIIIIBBLLLLEEEE! (Gasps for breath and collapses)

(Everyone is piled into a cart)

Theros: GGRROOOOAAAN! MOOOAAAAN!

Everyone: SHUT THAT BLACKSMITH UP!

Goldmoon: (Takes off her medallion and hits Theros with it)

Theros: (Miraculously cured)

Fizban: Hail thee of king of England, may I humbly request to join your troupe and…Hey! Where's my hat! (Proceeds to hit Sturm on the head with his staff) You thief! You stole my hat!

Toede: Wow! Three people have wanted to join my procession in one day! I feel so loved! (Sniffs loudly)

(They proceed through the Qualinesti forest)

Porthios: ATTACK! LOOT THEM OF THEIR BELONGINGS! WE ARE THE MERRY ELVES OF QUALINESTI! (Elves cheer enthusiastically)

Tanis: (whispers to Gilthanas) has Porthios still got the idea that he's the heroic bandit king, who steals from the rich and gives to the poor?

Gilthanas: (gloomy) Yep. I knew I shouldn't have given him a copy of Robin Hood and his Merry Men for his Day of Life gift.

(Everyone is rescued and taken to Qualinost)

Speaker of the Sun: (in a sultry voice) welcome travelers to Qualinost. You may come, but you will never leave…

Laurana: (runs out in skimpy lingerie with Tanis's name written all over it) Oh Tanis baby! I knew you would come back for me!

Tanis: Well, actually, I met a much sexier chick named Kitiara in Solace, and…

Laurana: (turns into a fiery demon of doom) WHAT DID YOU SAY?

Tanis: Nothing darling.

(Both disappears into the forest while all the other elves sigh in relief, until strange moaning sounds start to emanate from the forest that scares the crap out of everyone)

Speaker: (cough) I want you guys to go to Pax Tharkas and free the slaves there.

Companions: Okay.

(They go to the Sla-Mori)

Tanis: The tunnel on the left is the right one because the tunnel on the right is the one that leads to the fortress and the mage says is evil, so it is the right one, but the left one is the one left and…

Fizban: Hey! I'm supposed to be the mumbling idiot here!

Raistlin: Let's go left.

(Companions head left)

Giant Slug: FOOD! (Tries to eat Sturm)

(Everyone high tails it out of there, leaving Sturm to rot)

Giant Slug: (Has a stomachache from eating the stupid knight and vomits Sturm back up)

Sturm: (runs away screaming like a girl)

(Everyone heads down the other path)

Raistlin: There's a door that leads to an evil dark elf mage. Don't open it.

Tasslehoff: (opens the door)

Dark Elf: (Throws confetti over everyone) Happy Halloween!

(Everyone proceeds to Pax Tharkas)

Verminaard: There are evil intruders in my fortress! I, Verminaard, promise to right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that means them!

(In slave quarters)

Elistan: I, the great Elistan, will bring darknes… I mean light to this world. (Ceremoniously accepts the Disks of Mishakal)

Laurana: (In really really skimpy armor that's causing all the men to drool and get nosebleeds) Lets free them and get back to it. (looks at Tanis slyly)

Verminaard: Evildoers beware! I am vengeance, I am the night, I am DRAGONMAN!

Ember/Pyros: I am powerful! Fear me and hear me ROAR!

Other dragon whose name I forget: Give me back my eggs!

(Kills Ember then dies)

Verminaard: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (Splats on the floor)

Everyone: (sweatdrops)

(Later)

Goldmoon: Here comes the bride, Here comes the bride…

Riverwind: …

Elistan: May Paladine bless this marriage. Okay, party's over. Go home!

Everyone: AAAAAAWWWWW!

To be continued…

Author's Note: I hate Sturm. If you like him, you have issues. He is brainless! Well, actually, Caramon is the dumbest character, but Sturm's useless!


	3. Dragons of Winter Night Part I

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Winter Night Part I

Elistan: The Hammer of Cars! (Presents to Hornfel)

Hornfel: The Hammer of Mars! What an insult! (Hits Elistan with the hammer) This belonged to the honorable Kharas! (Sniff, tear)

Tanis: We have lots of slaves packed into Thorbardin, but they refuse to work!

Laurana: (In dominatrix outfit) Get working you miserable servants! (Hits with whip)

Tanis: Ah. My precious. (Looks at her starry-eyed)

Sturm: I want the hammer! It's almost Christmas and I lost my nutcracker! (Breaks into painful sobs)

Tasslehoff: Lets go to Tarsis, where they have lots of pretty ships.

Raistlin: Whats the point?

Tas: They have the second largest library Pre-Cataclysm.

Raistlin: When do we leave?

Flint: Hey! Wheres Tanis&Laurana, Goldmoon&Riverwind, Caramon&Tika?

Raistlin, Sturm, and Tas: You do not want to know…

(Tarsis the ugl-I mean the _beautiful_ Note: Tarsis is in ruins)

Tas: Hey! My emergency supply of sugar-high whip cream is gone! Who took it?

(Tanis, Laurana, Goldmoon, Riverwind, Caramon, and Tika turn bright red, lol)

Tanis: Ahem. Now, we are suppose to get captured by guards, according to the script the forestmaster gave m- Raistlin! What are you doing with it?

Raistlin: (Coughing pathetically and wiping him blood-soaked hands with the script)

Alhana: I need mercenaries! Help me! Please! (A waterfall of tear streams from both eyes)

Sturm: (drools) I'll follow you to the Abyss babe!

Alhana: EEEEEEWWW! Get away from me!

(Draconians come after them)

Raistlin: It is time to part. For some of us, we may never meet again in this worl- cough!

(Tanis, Raistlin, Caramon, Tika, Goldmoon, Riverwind, and Alhana are in Silvanesti)

Raistlin: I feel an evil aura around this place… (Shrieks suddenly) BUNNIES!

(Hordes of evil bunnies come to the attack and everyone runs in different directions)

Raistlin: Hey! My robes are turning black! I knew I shouldn't have used that weird dye my mother gave me twenty years ago to wash my robes on Sunday. Oh well. They go way better with my eyes.

Caramon: AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Evil elves are trying to pry my genius brain away from me! (Swoons with horror)

Riverwind: My Que-Shu friends!

Que-Shu specters: How dare you miss our dummies celebration!!!!

Riverwind: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Goldmoon: Ah! This branch tore off my necklace! Curse it! (Kicks the tree about to eat her really hard and breaks it)

Laurana: Hey! I'm at the Icewall! How did I get here? Oh! Theres Sturm! (Sturm is killed by the big green dragon Cyan Bloodbane) Oh, he died. Oh well. Who gives? Oh! Tanis darling, WHO'S THAT WENCH? (Tanis is with Kitiara, so Laurana grabs a sword and tries to kill Kit, but is instead eaten by the dragon, along with Kit and Tanis)

Meanwhile…

Flint is dying of old age.

Tasslehoff picked one lock too many.

Tika has learned that facing down a horde of dead specters is equivalent to signing your death certificate.

Alhana is being mentally tortured by Cyan.

And so here ends the quest of the companions, and the world was engulfed in darkness.

Not.

Raistlin uses him powerful magic gained from some weird old man he met with a really pretty necklace that he wanted. Then everyone found out it was just a dream.

To be Continued…

Notes: This story was not designed for accuracy! This was all about HUMOR! All the inaccuracies were on PURPOSE! This story would make much more sense to someone who has read the Chronicles.

Ex. Blue crystal stuff was referring to the blue crystal staff.

I didn't mention Eben, Fizban's "death", Lorac, etc.

I have read a lot of Dragonlance books, by Weis and Hickman, Elven Nations Trilogy, Linsha Trilogy, Kingpriest Trilogy, etc. I know my Dragonlance. Thanks to anyone who reviews this. If I get three more reviews I will continue the story. Theres no point in continuing a story nobody reads. Thank you for bearing with me.


	4. Dragons of Winter Night Part II

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Winter Night Part II

Narrator: (In the movie trailer voice) After being separated at Tarsis by a gang of rabid draconians, Gilthanas, Laurana, Sturm, Tas, Flint, and a brain-dead knight have journeyed to the Icewall (that really cold place which is a wall of ice, hence, the Icewall) and found a dragonorb. Now they will travel to Sancrist, to deliver it to the knights…

Laurana: Put a lid on it ya old geezer. (Throw the dragonorb at him)

Tas: (staring at the orb) Wow! Look at all those pretty swirly colors! (Suddenly grabs it and switches over to Gollum's voice from Lord of the Ring) My Preciousssss! We must not let them have it! (stares distrustfully at the others)

Derek the Brain-dead Knight: NOOOOO! I must take this and save my land, and get that new promotion I was dying for! (Suddenly looks possessed) I will take that, Hobbit!

Tas: (regains himself) Hey! I'm a kender, not a hobbit!

Sleet the White Dragon Whose Brain is Nearly as Dead as Derek: I have come for the ring! Uh, I mean, Dragonorb! (blasts the ship with ice breath and sinks it)

Narrator: Thus ends the quest of the ring, er, Dragonorb.

Laurana: Put a cork in it! (somehow managed to get onto an island and is swinging a big chain and mace)

Silvanesti elves: We are Santa's good little helpers. We know if you've been naughty or nice. Santa is coming! Look there's his reindeer! (points to Sleet)

Gilthanas: Shut your trap! (shoots arrows at Sleet) I, unlike some of you, plan on making my way out of this alive. (glares in disgust at Derek and Sturm, who wish to die in honorable combat and have people sing campfire songs about them)

Silvanesti elves: You have been naughty! (Throws coals at Gilthanas and knocks him out)

Laurana: Come near me and die! (Holds her mace and chain at ready) You know you want me.

Silvanesti elves: Hey! Aren't you the one who started the Tanis Half-Elven fan club? Wow! You must have been really nice, to start a fan club for someone else! Okay! You can visit Santa's workshop!

Sleet: I'm bored. See you around.

Silvara: Oh, grandmamma! I have come, your little silver riding hood, to deliver lunch for you. Oh! The big, bad wolf! (Hits Sturm with her basket)

The Silvanesti elves break into a chorus of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."

Silvara: (Notices comatose Gilthanas) Here! A good whiff of my cooking will wake you right up! (Holds basket under his nose)

Gilthanas: AAAAAAGGGHH! What died in there!

Silvara: (Hangs her head) I'm so sorry. Don't you understand that…YOU SHOULD NEVER INSULT A LADY'S COOKING!

Gilthanas: (meekly) yes ma'am.

Everyone somehow makes it to the place where the Qualinesti are hiding out.

Speaker of the Sun and all Qualinesti elves: NOOOO! Laurana has returned! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!

Laurana: As the chairman, treasurer, secretary, and sole member of the Tanis Half-Elven fan club, I greet you. Now… Tanis enjoys his coffee heated to 88o in the morning. He also likes it when I…(yammers on for hours about Tanis)

Speaker of the Sun: Can I have the dragonorb?

Derek: No.

Speaker: Okay.

Everyone: …That's not how the script goes.

Speaker: Oh! Right! Sorry. I mean, I will have the orb no matter what it takes. (tries to look serious, but bursts into giggles from stage fright)

That night, everyone sneaks out of the place 'stealthily,' but instead wakes just about everyone with their 'whispers.' All of Qualinesti sighed in relief that Laurana was gone.

The next night…

Gilthanas: Silvara is not in her bed! I shall search for her! (leaps into the woods gallantly)

I hear splashing water! (Sees Silvara bathing and gets a nosebleed) lol. The fair maiden is bathing. (He's staring at her body..)

Silvara: Hey! Who's there! PERVERT!

Gilthanas: It is only me! I'm sorry. You see, I couldn't sleep. I was thinking that what I am doing is right but wrong and I should be doing this but I shouldn't and… (mumbles something incoherent)

Silvara: (touches his arm amorously) I'm sorry for your trouble. (Drops her voice to a sexy, husky, seductive whisper) I will, try to make it better…

(They get closer and…suddenly, the frame switches over to a painting of a koala bear ;)

A day later…

Silvara: Sturm and Derek, you take the dragonorb to Sancrist. The rest of us will take the lance Sturm stole from that knight on the silver dragon.

Sturm and Derek: Okay.

Days later…

Silvara: We have arrived! This is the Tomb of Huma!

Everyone: cool.

Tas: OOOOOO! What does this button do? (Opens the lid and jumps down it)

Fizban: You have found me! (does a little dance around the room) Where's my hat!

They get back to the others. Theros Ironfield pops out of nowhere with the silverarm of that Duncan Ironweaver or something.

Silvara: Well, I have a confession to make. I'm actually a silver dragon.

Gilthanas: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Silvara: (dramatically) I give to He of the Silverarm, the power to forge the mighty dragonlances!

Everyone: …

To Be Continued…

Author's note: I added the Santa's elves thing for Christmas. I never liked Sturm, so I'm treating him horribly. Ex. Getting eaten by a slug, slapped by Alhana, hit by Silvara.

I bet that most people read and don't review. If you don't review, I'll tell Santa to send you coal for Christmas! To anyone reviewing, Mucho Gracias! Domo Arigato! Xie Xie! (lots of thanks in Spanish, Japanese, and Chinese) And Merry Christmas!


	5. Dragons of Winter Night Part III

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of a Winter Night Part III

Companions, or at least half of them; Tanis, Raistlin, and their team: (staring at their last copper)

Tanis: Let's spend it on food.

Caramon: Ale!!!

Riverwind: Cloaks!

Goldmoon: More fur! The moths are horrible this year! They've eaten through most of my under layer of clothes!

All the men in hearing range with the exception of Raistlin who sees a pile of bones: lol

Raistlin: I have a great idea! (Picks up coin) Let's start our own show!!!

Companions: YAAAAHH!

So, the Companions started a show called "Raistlin's Bunnies," in which Raistlin pulled bunnies from a black hat, Tika did strip dancing, Goldmoon sang rap songs, Tanis gave advice on relationship problems, Riverwind beat the crap out of anyone who tried to touch Goldmoon, while Caramon stood and was as dumb as usual. Later, they renamed the show "The Red Wizard and his Wonderful Illusions" or some such, 'cause "Raistlin's Bunnies" just wasn't selling. They were a great hit and lived richly ever after. HAH! Tricked you again didn't I?! They made lotsa money and decided to go to Flotsam to start their world tour.

Raistlin: I have the dragonorb of Istar. I am powerful. I SHALL TAKE OVER WAL-MART AND RULE THE WORLD FOREVER!

Everyone sweatdrops.--;

In Flotsam, which, by the way, looks like flotsam (trash)…

Tanis: Caramon and I will go out as scouts. Kay?

Everyone looks at Tanis with the look a loyal puppy gives their owner except Raistlin: Kay!

They book a ship with Marquesta Kar-Thon. (Caramon: 'wolf whistle') They are then separated and Tanis was attacked by a fanatic elf.

Fanatic Elf: You're the one the Tanis Half-Elven fan club is based on. Oh! The insanity, the horror! Half my family is in the mental institute because of that club!

Kitiara appears and hits him with her sword.

Kitiara: Hey Tanis! (Lean in amorously) Long time no see. (Drags him to her inn room) Boots?

Tanis: (grinning like an idiot) Sure.

Neither was ever heard from again, though there were always strange moaning noises coming from the third room on the second floor of the Saltbreeze Inn.

Meanwhile, Tasslehoff was with Fizban, who miraculously resurrected himself like Ashram from Record of Lodoss War in both the Legend of Chrysania and the Chronicles of the Heroic Knight. Together, they formed the Insanity Duet. They would drive one crazy with their incessant chatter, and then the kender would rob them! (Tasslehoff: Wow! It must have fallen into my pouch!) The two stole the dragonorb under the cover of darkness from the mountain of doom, Mt. Nevermind. (Dadadadum 'play horror music') Then, they took it to the council of Whitestone or something.

Lord Gunther: We are gathered here today to discuss how to get rid of both Sauron, er, Takhisis and the fate of the ring of power, I mean, dragonorb of either Wayreth.

Elves: Give it here! We will hoard it and let it sit and gather dust.

Humans: Use it!

Gnome: Wemusttakeittotheexaminationroomofmtnevermindand…

Big arguments insued and questionable language was used.

Tasslehoff: Ooooo! This holder is really cool! (Takes the holder the dragonorb was on)

The dragonorb smashes to bits.

Everyone: NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Laurana, Theros, and Flint come out of nowhere with the dragonlances.

Everyone: We're saved!!! (Bow down and worships them as gods)

Fizban: Hey! That's not fair! They're not worshipping me! (Sulks)

In the High Clerist Tower…

Laurana: Tanis is cheating on me. I can feel it!

Flint: How do you know?

Laurana: I keep having nightmares about him with this black haired chick! I'm ten times sexier than she is! (Screams)

Tas: Guess what? I found the Dragonorb of Palanthas in the tower!

Derek: We're under attack! Charge! (Leads a bunch of men out into battle and are crushed)

Sturm: Yes! Now I'm in charge! Now, I've got to fix the coloring of the tower! It's so drab. I'll paint it pink, or purple's a good color.

Kitiara has torn herself away from Tanis's groping hands: Prepare to be roasted on a pig stick, knight!

They face down and Sturm is killed. YYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!!!

Laurana: (gains control over the dragonorb) Alright. First, make Tanis love me and me alone. MWWHAHAHAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Tas: Aren't you forgetting something?

Laurana: Oh yeah. Call the dragons here. (the knights kill the dragons except Skie or Khellendros, or whatever his name is.

Kitiara: So, you're the upstart who's trying to win Tanis's heart from me.

Laurana: He was mine to start out with!

Kitiara: #$&#$!!!

Laurana: &$#&#!!!

Kitiara: We'll finish this later! (flies away in a huff)

Flint: What about Sturm?

Laurana: Throw the fool in a ditch.

To Be Continued…

Notes: I'm only hypothesizing that the dragonorb is of Wayreth. The Towers of High Sorcery in Daltigoth and Losarcum were destroyed during the Lost Battles during the reign of Beldinas, the last Kingpriest of Istar, so I imagine their orbs were destroyed with them. It was never said in the book. I suddenly remembered that the dragon that killed Ember was called Matafleur. You can really tell I hate Sturm. (Squishes the Voodoo doll I made of him and sticks it with pins)I did more paragraphs in this chapter than usual. There was less dialogue. Please tell me what I can do to improve! Arigato!


	6. Dragons of Spring Dawning Part I

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Spring Dawning Part I

Tanis (feels the effects of the dragonorb of Palanthas and talks in a zombie-like voice): Laurana, my true love, I must return to her.

(At the inn where the others were staying…)

Tanis (in a heroic voice): We must make haste! The forces of evil are ever vigilant, and we must stand strong against them!

Raistlin (sarcastically): So that's why we're running away like a bunny with its tail between its legs, wait, that doesn't sound right…

Goldmoon: Of course, I understand Tanis, but I'll have you know, I'm a pregnant woman, and I need many things. (Has Caramon putting her hair up in the latest fashion, Riverwind giving her massages while thanking the gods for a child with tears running down his face, Tika working her ass off making Que-shu delicacies, well, you get the idea.)

Raistlin (fretting): I don't like this at all!

Tanis: I agree.

Raistlin: Yes. I don't feel myself. (GASP!!!) Could it be…I'm losing my evil, cynical, sarcastic ways! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! (Chokes for air and collapses)

Somehow the gang of idiots, misfits, and fools make their way to Maquesta Kar-thon's ship. There, the crew gets worked to death carrying Goldmoon's many, many possessions.

Goldmoon: Be careful with that! It's a rare face powder I got from Paris!

Everyone: Um, lady, this is Krynn, we don't have a city called Paris…

Goldmoon: I know that! You remember that cute necklace I got from the statue lady, well, I wished for special face powder and a special trip to the hot springs in Sanction, and threatened to throw the necklace into the blood sea of Istar if it didn't grant my wish!

Companions (thinking to self): So that's why she wasn't there during the cockroach invasion we had last night. Raistlin jumped on a table and started screaming like a girl, while Riverwind fainted. Caramon had, in a rare moment of intelligence, burned the roaches into dust, mainly because he felt they were becoming a little too possessive of Tika. I mean, he was willing to share, but not that much.

Narrator (that's me! o ;): The ship set sail, no problemo, but then…

Kitiara: How dare you forsake me for that elf-bitch! It's an insult to my honor! Oh, hey Raistlin! Hey Caramon! Long time no see. Sorry about this. (orders her dragon Skie to attack the ship)

Helmsman, who is revealed to be Berem the Green Gemstone man (a.k.a. the dude with a big green gem stuck into his chest, a very creative way of committing suicide, no?): NO! I must escape! (Goes into berserker mode and steers ship into the maelstrom.

Everyone except Raist (who escapes using his dragonorb) falls into the whirlpool: NNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: No, the companions falling into the maelstrom has nothing to do with money. It was just more efficient as a line border. Now back to the story. Raistlin is in Palanthas.)

Raistlin (madly hacking up blood): I must see Astinus.

Bertrem: AAAAAAHH! A demon! (faints)

Astinus (appears out of thin air): Millennia ago, the world was created… (drones on with a long speech)…and thus, I will hand them my chronicles. Hey! That young mage has disappeared, oh well. (shrugs and leaves)

(Raistlin had found his clue in that story, being the evil, unlovable (sorry, Raist fans!) freaky nerd he is and discovered his salvation, or it should be damnation…)

Meanwhile in another part of Palanthas…

Tas: Hey Flint! I found an empty abandoned section! Let's explore it!

Flint: Idiot! There are probably horrible monsters in it! Oh well. Let's see it. Not like we have anything else to do.

Tas: Look! There's a dark spooky forest! (Runs in with Flint, and they were never seen again)

Narrator: Hold it! Rewind! (Tas and Flint run out of Shoikan Grove backwards) You're supposed to run away from the place screaming bloody devils!

Tas & Flint: Okay. (runs away) BLOODY DEVILS!!!

In Lord Amotheus's study…

Astinus: Once long ago, the wizards won the Lost Wars.

Everyone (thinking): Then why the hell was it called the Lost Wars?!

Astinus (continues): There actually was no war. Four of the Towers of High Sorcery began to show signs of rabid bunny infections. At long last, the mages, with tears in their eyes, left the towers in Losarcrum, Daltigoth, and Istar. Eventually, the rabid bunnies chewed up the towers, and the magic within the tower exploded. This didn't happen in Istar, as the Kingpriest Beldinas developed a highly effective bunny repellent. In Palanthas, the mages thought they had defeated the rabid bunnies, so they held a huge celebration. One of the Black Robes, however, was brainwashed by a rabid bunny. He jumped off the Death Walk, and painfully landed on the gate spires. The rabid bunnies used his mouth to summon an army of painters to the tower, and it was painted black. The mages abandoned the tower. The end.

Everyone (wakes up): What?

Gilthanas and Silvara: We're back!

Laurana: Nobody cares. Any ways, I've been made the commander of the armies. Obey me!

Gil&Sil: Shit.

Gilthanas: We brought the good dragons.

Laurana: I can see that.

Silvara: We couldn't rescue the dragon eggs.

Laurana: I can see that.

Gilthanas: The good dragons have broken their oath.

Laurana: I can see that.

Silvara: Gil and I are having a fight.

Laurana: I can see that.

Weeks later…

Flint: We get to ride a bronze dragon and fight!

Tas: YEAH!

After the battle…

Flint: We never want to ride a bronze dragon and fight again.

Tas: BOO!

To Be Continued…

Author's Note: I used narrators this chapter. That's kind of new. There are lots of weird sentences, I think. Did I overdo the bunny thing? I haven't updated for two weeks! Well, that's because I have a binder full of essays due in two days. I'm also working on other fics, so sorry to anyone who's actually reading this. Please R&R!


	7. Dragons of Spring Dawning Part II

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Spring Dawning Part II

Laurana (poses and sticks her finger up in a victory sign): Alright! I've beaten the living crap out of those pesky evil armies. Now my Tannie-baby will come back to me! No one can resist the Silver General!

Narrator: Actually, you're supposed to be the Golden General.

Laurana: Oh, screw you! (Throws a rock at the Narrator) Silver sounds cooler.

Flint (catching his breath after running to Laurana): General…the…prisoner…do…what?

Laurana: Let's chop his head off. No, let's burn him first. Death to the evil officer dude!

Everyone: DEATH TO THE EVIL OFFICER DUDE!

They burn Bakaris to death then chop his head off.

Narrator (flipping through the scripts agitatedly): No, no! That's not how it was suppose to go! You were-(looks at the angry mob in front of her with tridents and torches) Oh, uh, AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!

Narrator runs away from the mob chasing her with stones. Later…

Narrator (covered in bandages): I have a proposal, Blue Lady.

Kitiara: What is it you mummified freak?

Narrator (ignores the comment): How about we kidnap that annoying Silver General?

Kitiara: I thought that elf-bitch was supposed to be the Golden General.

Narrator: WHATEVER!!! ARE YOU WITH ME OR NOT?

Kitiara: Sure. If I get my Tannie-baby back.

Narrator: (thinks to self) They really are alike. They even call Tanis by the same nickname. I don't think this will be a good time to tell them that Tanis is prefers men.  
(Out loud) I think I can enlist the old dwarf and the kender. They both despise that elf enough. Maybe I'll even get her brother and his girlfriend to help too.

Kitiara: Excellent.

Later…

Narrator: So, will you guys help me or not.

Gilthanas, Silvara, Flint, and Tasslehoff: Sure! We'd love to.

Narrator: So, here's what we'll do…

Thus, the conspirators managed to kidnap Laurana, the Silver, err Golden General. They told her that Tanis was cheating on her with this woman named Takhisis. They then drugged her and threw her into a heavily cushioned room. That being done, they went back and told everyone that Laurana had been kidnapped by the Blue Lady.

Narrator: Now that bitch is out of the way, I need to check up on Tanis and his gang.

Tanis: Oh, my head. Hey, I must be in the afterlife. Wait, if I'm dead, then how can I still feel pain. (Ponders over it)

Goldmoon: NOOOO! I lost all my precious cosmetics and toiletries. What shall I do? Whatever shall I do?

Berem: Hi.

Everyone: This is entirely your fault! (Runs him through with their swords, daggers, medallion, you name it, and we all know how effective that is)

Berem: (Miraculously sits up unharmed)

Everyone: It's a monster! (Faints)

Tanis: (recovers) Let's explore this joint.

Everyone: Okay.

They explore, and find a plaque that says, something to the effect of 'Welcome doomed traveler, to the condemned city of Istar.'

Everyone: Cool! I've always wanted to see Istar.

Narrator: (pops out of nowhere) What the hell is wrong with you people?! It's supposed to say 'Welcome travelers to the city beloved of the gods. Welcome, friends, to Istar.' Are they mocking me. (gasp) That's it isn't it! They're all just mocking me! GRRRR!

That red robe wizard who lives in a pineapple under the sea: Hello. Well, enemies, I shall escort you to your friends.

Narrator: Dude, that made no sense.

They find Caramon and Tika, in bed, together.

Everyone: O.o

Narrator (shakes her head despairingly): Caramon, how do you feel now that your brother's abandoned you?

Caramon: I feel great! I feel so free! Now he can't force me into servitude by black-mailing me with sending out pictures of me and my 'conquests' to everyone we know. He also can't threaten to hurt my pet bunnies.

Narrator: (one the verge of tears) Why the hell did I take such a thankless job. This isn't how it happened in the script. Caramon, for Paladine's sake, since when did you have pet bunnies?!

Caramon: You don't know? I carry them under my breastplate. They're good protection, and they're really warm. See? (shows everyone his pet bunnies)

Everyone: O.o

The red robe wizard who lives in a pineapple under the sea: I'll take you to meet my darling, my dear Apoletta.

Everyone hurries to see the sea elf.

Apoleta: Hey there good looking. (looks at Tanis)

The red robe wizard who lives in a pineapple under the sea: Hey! Keep your eyes away from my wife.

Tanis: We need a way out of here!

Apoletta: Sure. Are you sure you don't want to stay? We can, _entertain_ you.

Tanis: No thanks. I have two macho chicks after me already.

Apoletta: (comes out of the water, and you know she wears nothing) Okay. We'll get you to Kalaman, kay?

Everyone: O.o

Apoletta: I'll take that as a yes.

Everyone is taken to Kalaman. There, they are reunited with their friends.

Tanis: Sturm is dead?! No, it can't be! (breaks into sobs)

Flint: Err, Laurana vanished too. (trades guilty looks with Tas, Silvara, and Gilthanas)

Tanis: Who cares?! Sturm, my friend, my beloved.

Everyone: ?

Narrator: You have to get her back.

Tanis: And what if I don't?

Narrator (narrows her eyes and glares coldly at the half-elf): I'll tell everyone about your little secret.

Tanis: Damn. You remind me of Raistlin. Are you sure you two aren't related?

Narrator (does a perfect imitation of Raistlin's evil smirk): Nope. I'm not sure we aren't related.

Tanis (sighs): I suppose we have to go save Laurana.

Narrator: (does a little dance on the spot) At last something is going right!

Tanis: I'll hire some mercenaries, and they can save her.

Narrator: (breaks into tears) There goes my peaceful night of reading.

To Be Continued…

Author's note: The narrator is me incarnated onto paper. I really am similar to Raistlin. I use a lot of sarcasm; lots of people call me cold-hearted, calculating and manipulative. I don't have any ambition to rule the world or become a god. But I do want to beat everyone else, get better grades, go to a good college, and make lots of money. Wow, I was really horrible to myself this chapter. I forgot that red robe wizard's name, and I was too lazy to go check. Did I overdo the googly-eye thing? I'm not a supporter of homosexuals, but it was just interesting how so many people thought Tanis was gay. I'm going to do a Dragonlance Legends in a Nutshell soon, so look for it as soon as I publish the next and last chapter to DL Chronicles in a Nutshell. Please R&R!


	8. Dragons of Spring Dawing Part III

**Dragonlance Chronicles in a Nutshell**

Dragons of Spring Dawning Part III

Tanis (heroically): We bold adventurers will now face our greatest challenge…RESCUING THE SILVER GENERAL!

Caramon: uh, Tanis, she's the Golden General.

Tanis: Same thing!

Tika: I'm under the impression that she's in Neraka.

Tanis: of course.

Tika: So, why are we heading the other way!

Tanis: Use your brains woman! Do you really want to rescue that annoying elf bitch?

Everyone: nope.

Tanis: Then it's all settled.

Fizban (Swoops down on a dragon): I command you to rescue her! You dishonorable wretched lot! Have you no shame that you would leave a defenseless woman alone in the clutches of evil. Gasp! The horror!

Everyone (looks ashamed for a moment then…): So?

Fizban: …

Flint (suddenly gasps): oh! My heart! OOOOOOOOOHHHH! IT BURNS US! IT BURNS!

Flint falls over dead.

Everyone: …

Caramon: Small loss to the world. If the total population is increasing by a rate of a baby a minute, and decreasing by a rate of…

Everyone backs slowly away from Caramon, who is wearing glasses and scribbling complex formulas on a chalk board.

Tika: EW! You're a nerd. We're sooo over. (Runs away crying into the sunset)

Caramon (blinks for a moment before he realizes what happened): NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Everyone: O.o

Caramon: I'm coming my love! (Runs after Tika into the sunset)

The two eventually murdered the owner of the Inn of Last Home, took it over, and became millionaires. Caramon gave up his nerdy habits, but once in a while, Tika would catch him muttering to himself "If one man fathers ten brats, then the population will increase by…" Tika would then proceed to beat him over the head with a skillet. They ended up with five brats and lived happily ever after.

Tanis: Berem, tell me I'm dreaming.

Berem (the only one left other than Fizban): You're dreaming.

Tanis (sarcastic): Thanks a lot.

They walk for a bit, and suddenly find themselves in front of Neraka.

Raistlin (mysteriously show up from the shadows): Greetings Half-Elven. When we parted, I was little more than a lowly mage. But now, I am the greatest Archmage in the world! ALL SHALL BOW DOWN TO MY MIGHT! NO ONE WILL OPPOSE ME! I'LL MARRY, HAVE THREE KIDS, AND LIVE PEACEFULLY EVER AFTER! MWAHAHAHA! Uh, wait, that's not right. I mean I'll live lovingly ever after with five kids. Wait, that's not right either…

Tanis and Berem: O.o

Me: lol

Tanis and Berem enter Neraka.

Kitiara: Tannie baby, you've come back to me!

Tanis (in a hard voice): No Kitiara, I've not comefor you. I've come for revenge! This is for killing my beloved Sturm!

Tanis cuts Kit's head off.

Berem: … Wait, is that a shiny rock I see over there, surrounded by man eating dragon hatchlings? Cool!

Berem runs to the pillar.

Berem: Ooo! What does this button do? (Pokes a gem)

Unfortunately, he then slipped and impaled himself on the pillar.

Takhisis the Dark Queen: YOU WRETCHED MORTAL! YOU'VE MARRED MY BEAUTIFUL TEMPLE! I DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE ANYMORE! (Leaves in a huff)

The temple collapses; everyone except Tanis and Laurana dies. (Me: Die you wretched idiot heroes, die!)

Tanis: Laurana, I want to marry you for your wealth and power. Will you have me?

Laurana: Sure!

They skip off, have a weakling son named Gilthas, and lived unhappily ever after.

Raistlin went a-courting, but no one wanted him. Poor kid. He eventually bought a nice tower in Palanthas and lived with a dark elf named Dalamar, affectionately called Dally. The relationship between them is yet unknown. Meanwhile, back at Neraka…

A hand pops out of the rubble.

Kitiara: I live Tannie baby, I LIVE!

THE END, OR NOT

A/N: There you have it, the whole chronicles (around a thousand pages) cut short to less than twenty. Comments? Questions? Should there be a sequel? Review please!


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